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Greetings, Friends, On the Republican Candidates

Greetings, friends! May I address
A selection process that’s a mess,
And the candidates involved
Who pledge to get our problems solved?

They’re from the right, that’s very clear.
That’s why their stock in trade is fear.
They talk about the deficit,
But don’t say they created it.

They all say taxes are just bad,
Don’t take from rich folks what they’ve had.
Just starve the poor and middle-class.
Who cares if the wealth gap is so vast?

Let’s start with Mitt, the man of Romney,
He’s the one who seems least balmy,
Until you look into his eyes
And see he wants to euthanize

Obama’s national health care plan.
He badly wants to have it banned.
Forget he gave us one just like it.
Now he only wants to spike it.

He’s a shifty guy, that Mitt from Bain,
His position switchin' makes it plain,
His beliefs aren't very firmly held.
That makes it difficult to tell

What's going on inside his head.
Is his inner statehood blue or red?
That's why his presidential lust
Is greeted with so much mistrust.

Now let’s turn our thoughts to Newt,
Who is so ethically astute.
That he doesn’t see a problem
With the paychecks he’s been gobblin’

From Freddie Mac, his former client,
Whose loans, alas, were non-compliant
With good sense and human reason.
Still, with Newt the skids they’re greasin’.

The Gingrich Group, that august body,
It would never, ever lobby.
Consult me, Newton says. Just ask.
My brain’s so big, I think so fast.

I’m smarter than the other folks.
They’re really puny little jokes.
And by the way, if I’m your neighbor,
I’ll sell your kids into forced labor.

As Newt’s star rises, Bachmann’s falls,
‘Cause she keeps hearing siren calls
From sources who don’t know the facts.
Rumor’s enough when she attacks.

She’s very prone to loony beliefs.
Top among them, chief of chiefs,
Is that a simple vaccination
Can cause girls mental retardation.

And she’s not hot on gay lifestyles.
She’s convinced that God reviles
Them, just like she and Marcus
Do, along with her entire caucus.

The Tea Party, I’m speaking of.
They only know one kind of love.
Men and women, that’s just great.
Everybody else they hate.

Meanwhile Herman Cain is hoping
Voters will forget his groping:
“It wasn’t that they lit my fires.
All those women are just liars.

One was my wife’s very height.
Now she’s acting out of spite.
Going to unbridled lengths
To distract attention from my strengths.

Godfather’s Pizza, it succeeded
On my watch, and that’s conceded.
Business smarts, that’s all that counts.
I don’t need that extra bounce

From knowing Libya and Uzbekistan
Might figure in the national plan.
My foreign policy’s not really phony,
It’s just confined to pepperoni.”

Another hopeful, Rick Santorum,
Appears at each and every forum
That has the candidates debating.
He’s hoping to improve his rating.

Right now it’s in the single digits,
Probably because he fidgets
On issues like Defense of Marriage
Which, just like the horse and carriage

Featured in the old-time song,
Suggests gay couples just don’t belong.
Rick is strictly hetero,
He firmly believes it’s better.

Oh, perish the alternative.
Loosened standards just might give
Rise to the kind of moral fog
That brings together man and dog.

There’s also Mr. Huntsman, Jon.
He too can’t quite get beyond
The lower numbers in the polling
This seems to show that he’s not trolling

The shallow gene pools of the right
With positions calculated to incite
Resentment, fear and so much more.
The “base,” I fear, finds him a bore.

As Obama’s diplomat in China,
Huntsman was one who helped define
A policy short of confrontation
On trade and money valuation.

But so what? Let me repeat,
Jon doesn’t serve up the red meat.
That’s why his bid’s all but forgotten.
The crazies think it’s misbegotten.

Oh, God! Let’s not forget Rick Perry,
Whom voters embraced and then were wary.
He went from job-creating guv’nor
To a candidate who, for love nor

Money, could simply not remember
One agency he wanted to dismember.
There’s Commerce, Education, now let’s see,
What in the world is Number Three?

Help me out, he asked his rivals.
A lifeline, please, for my survival.
But no help came, and Perry droops.
It was, he said, a moment “Oops!”

Well, he still has his hair and grin
And his belief in D.C. sin.
But his Texas chain saw’s out of gas
Since his brain flaw came to pass.

Then there’s dear old Ron Paul.
He’s also headed for a fall.
Too bad because in him you see
A kind of weird integrity.

He doesn’t care what voters think.
He says his piece and doesn’t blink.
That would all be very well
If Ayn Rand hadn’t cast a spell

And made him individualistic,
A stance that’s really atavistic,
Harking back to Herbert Hoover,
Who, remember, was a mover

In leading staunch resistance
To all government assistance.
In the Depression folks were on their own.
The starving didn’t even get a bone.

So now we’ve met them, every one.
Isn’t it a lot of fun
To see how they want to take us back
Into the past where life was just a sack

Of cherries? No safety net or regulation,
No health insurance or taxation.
Why build a just society?
That's freedom, a la G.O.P.

We all see how that worked before,
But who needs facts when there's folklore?
So say goodbye to the Party of Lincoln;
It's now the Party of Magical Thinkin'.
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